


I Know You Care

by fire_andwolfsbane



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: 3 months away, Angst, Break Up, Declarations Of Love, Derek Comes Back, Established Relationship, Hurt Derek, Imagination, Love, M/M, Multi, Panic Attacks, Recreational Drug Use, Sad Stiles, Sheriff Stilinski Knows, Suicide Attempt, Tears, long walks, pinning, reunite, stiles is bella swan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-20
Updated: 2013-02-25
Packaged: 2017-11-26 04:52:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/646753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fire_andwolfsbane/pseuds/fire_andwolfsbane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Stiles thought his first day back to school since the break up would go easier than it has.</p>
          </blockquote>





	1. Trouble Ahead

**August**

“I love you so much Stiles so damn much. I’ve never loved anyone as insanely as I love you ok.”

“Then stop. Stop being in your head so much. Those thoughts of yours, they’re scary and I can’t even hear them. Love me here, now, and forever ok?”

“I promise, I’ll love you to the moon and back.”

That was the first time Derek ever said, “I love you.” to someone outside of family. Since Kate. They were lying on Derek’s couch, the moon still slowly rising. It had taken a lot of begging on Stiles’ part but none the less Derek had told Stiles how he felt. Stiles had said it before, never bothering to complain when Derek didn’t reply, but something about the way Derek looked today made Stiles need to know if this relationship would last. If through whatever trials come along, their love was strong. But _there is_ trouble ahead, he can feel it.  He knows Derek’s just saving himself when he hides it.

\-------

“You promised you fucking promised me!”

“I know stiles, but-”

“No fucking buts, you said you’d love me to the moon and back! You promised!” Stiles shouted running a hand through his quickly growing hair, anger and betrayal coursing through his veins.

“Stiles, I will always love you, it’s a promise I will never break, but the pack is being tracked, we need to leave. If we don’t everything here will be destroyed, and I can’t live with that.”

“Then take me with you.” Stiles said. Derek could feel his anger, he could feel how broken Stiles was, how he was trying to stay strong. His own voice was on the verge of cracking. Derek did what he knew best. He hid his emotions masking his face so Stiles would understand. He was leaving for Stiles benefit; so Stiles would have a better life. Stiles knew he cared, he also knew when Derek was giving up, and in that moment, when Derek masked his emotions, Stiles’ heart shattered.

“I can’t, it’s dangerous, and your dad. I can’t just take you and leave your dad; I also can’t take you and bring your dad along. The risk is too high. I hope you understand Stiles. This needs to be done.”

“I knew this would happen.” Stiles said to him, “I fucking knew it.”

“Stiles I’m sorry, just promise me you won’t go out looking for trouble, and keep your dad safe.”

“ I will Derek.”

“I’ll promise you this, I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back.  You can go on with your life. It’s so much safer without me anyways"

“Derek I don’t care if my life is safe, it’s nothing without you ok? I gave you all of me, my heart and soul and you tell me you’re leaving. I’d let you give me the bite Derek, that’s how much I love you! But fine go on, run away, do what you do best, leave.” Stiles was glad that Derek had brought him out to the woods, or else he’d have to explain to the neighbors what all the shouting was about. The cool air whipped around his shoulders as he turned around, leaving Derek standing there with a face made of stone.

“I love you.” He whispered before heading off into the maze of trees.

Stiles was worried that he was walking in a circle, but he kept going. The rain was blending in with his tears.  He stopped every now and then to look around, making sure he’s going the right way, the rain making it impossible to tell but Stiles likes to pretend.

He pretends that the ache in his chest isn’t from Derek leaving without him; he pretends Derek isn’t leaving for long. Stiles pretends that it isn’t getting harder to breath, that his vision is normally blurry like this, and even when Stiles sits down on a rain soaked, moss covered tree he Still acts like things are fine. His chest tightens and air isn’t getting to his lungs. His brain is screaming, _“Derek Derek, derekderekderek save me.”_ But he knows he won’t come. His legs go numb and whatever breath he has left he uses on a scream, his panic attacks have never been this bad, mostly because Scott or Derek have been around to help him, but now, he’s alone. He tries to regulate his breathing but before he knows it his fingers start to tingle and his eyes slide closed.

He feels somone pick him up, somone warm and strong holding onto him. He thinks its Derek, he’s not sure. His eyes blearily open. He sees flashing blue and red lights. Part of him freaks out, someone called his dad. But then those strong hands are gone and another pair encompasses him. The warmth is gone but these arms feel familiar. Like when Stiles was a child and he fell asleep on the couch, his dad would come and carry him upstairs tucking him into bed. That’s what these hands feel like. Nice and secure, safe from the world.

The last thing Stiles hears before he drifts off back to sleep is “I love you.” It sounds like a morph between Derek and his dad.

\-----

“Dammit son.” Is the first thing Stiles hears when he wakes up. His dad leans over his bed and gives him a hug, one he didn’t even knew he needed until his dad leans back. Stiles clutches his father closer so he doesn’t leave, like Derek did.

“You scared me Stiles, don’t scare me again, please.” His dad lets tear fall before finally pulling back. His son’s eyes are watery, but not for the same reason.

“I uh made you some soup.” Sheriff says setting a bowl of chowder on his lap.

“I’ve got blankets and movies, that action stuff to uh get your mind off, never mind. Here I also have some medicine cause it was pretty cold out there.”  He gets up and shuffles around the room until he’s back in his seat with children's Tylenol.

“Dad,” Stiles says breaking the silence “who carried me out of the woods?”  Stiles shifts his eyes towards the soup. Slowly blowing on it, and bringing it to his mouth. He hears his dad exhale before he gets the courage to meet his eyes.

“I- uh, Boyd did.” Sheriff drops his gaze, running a hand through his hair. He suddenly becomes very focused on the pattern of Stiles’ sheets.

“Oh.” Is all Stiles can muster to say. The strain of not even a full day, crashing down on him.

“I’ll let you take some days off school if you want.”

“No, I’ll be fine.” Stiles says defiantly. He can’t let Derek win. He doesn’t want him to have power over his life. If Derek wants him to move on and forget him, then that’s what he’ll do.

“You sure about this?”

“Yeah, I’m sure dad.”


	2. I'll Save Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stiles thought his first day back to school since the break up would go easier than it has.

Stiles thought his first day back to school since the breakup would go easier than it has.

The pounding in his head was less severe this time around, seeing as how he’s stayed In bed for 2 whole days only getting up to pee. His dad took those 2 days off to keep eye for the wellbeing of his son. So this morning when Stiles woke up he expected nothing but the worst, and that’s exactly what he got.

“Mornin’ son.” Rang out Sheriff Stilinski. His dad poked his head through the door, a wry smiled forced upon his face.

“I’ll drop you off.  Your car is in the shop, needed some work on the brakes.”

“Alright, Dad.” Stiles said rolling out of bed. He ran a hand through his untidy hair before heading towards the bathroom. He stripped down and stepped in the slowly warming stream of water. His eyes closed, he let the stream glide over his face and down his body. He turned feeling the phantom hands of Derek skim over his back.

“No.” he said to his self “Derek isn’t here, he left.” Eyes still closed he reached for the soap and proceeded to wash. Something about the water slowly cooling felt comforting to Stiles. He let himself have this moment, trying not to think of all the things that were wrong, and think of the things that were right. He made a mental list as the water went from hot to luke warm.

1, Scott's still here

2, Allison is still here

3, Lydia loves him, platonically (but still)

4, His dad will never leave him

5, Derek’s gone

_Derek’s gone, Derek’s gone, Derek’s gone._ He repeated this to himself while stepping out of the shower and brushing his teeth. Trying harder to make it sound like a good thing.

“Derek is gone.” Stiles whispered stepping into his pants. He grabbed his backpack and rushed downstairs grabbing a bagel and meeting his dad at the cruiser.

“Pulling out all the stops today huh dad? Stiles said sarcasm intact. It’s not like his dad noticed, at all.

“Oh there’s my boy, I’ve been waiting for that little snake like tongue to come out and play.” His dad chuckled and started the car. “The best way to get over this,” Stiles thought, “is to act like it doesn’t hurt.”

“Yeah well that can either hinder or help.” Sheriff said, Stiles must’ve said that aloud. They sat in silence the rest of the way to school. The silence echoing throughout his mind like a cave. A cave in which the worst possible thing that could’ve happened, happened.

“Well uh- here you are son, have a good day.” His dad brought him out of his thoughts, cuffing a hand to the back of his head. Stiles did everything in his will to not shrug away, that was something Derek used to do. _Used to_.

“Thanks Der- dad, thanks for the lift.” Stiles didn’t look to see how bad his dad winced or how he started to frown. Stiles just hefted his backpack onto his back and went towards the entrance of Beacon Hills High.

Scott and Allison were the first to greet him.

“Hey buddy.” Scott said his puppy dog grin plastered on his face.

“Hey.” Stiles said faking a smile. Allison waved her smile bright like a million fucking diamonds. How one girl could be so happy would always amaze Stiles, but right now amazement seemed a lot like anger. He once smiled that big, but that was then and, well this is now.

“Well if it isn’t Stiles, I heard you took a nap in the woods, did you lose weight? Cause when I went on my escapade I lost some; you’re not looking to well stiles you should see a doctor.” As if right on cue Lydia freaking Martin walked up and pulled whatever was left of his heart, right out of his chest. Complete with a smirk and the devils kiss right on his check.

“Asshole.” Stiles muttered before seeing the nervous glances Allison was giving Scott.

“Guys, I’m fine. Seriously stop looking at me like someone told you I had cancer.”

“Oh- yeah- uh- yeah, ok.” Scott and Allison tripping over their words would have normally made Stiles laugh but he couldn’t find the energy to, so he didn’t.

\------

First class of the day was with Mr. Harris. It should’ve gone better or worse seeing as how the relationship between Mr. Harris and Stiles isn’t that grand.

“So how was everybody’s weekend?” Mr. Harris asked sending a sly smirk Stiles’ way. The class all mumbled some form of greatness.

“Yours, Mr. Stilinski?” Stiles looks up to a full class, and a douche bag teacher staring intently at him. He feels his face warm about the same time his sides go cold. He’s vaguely aware of someone telling him he doesn’t have to answer, its Scott but it doesn’t register. His voice sounds off. The room goes white and his throat closes.

“Dude you ok?” Scott asks from where he’s bent over Stiles. He realizes he’s in the nurse’s office. His face goes warm again and he knows this time, he’s blushing.

“Yeah, what happened?” Stiles asks, Scott laughs

“Dude you passed out after telling Mr. Harris to fuck off.”

“I did what?” Stiles chokes out.

“Yeah, you said, and I quote _"why don’t you just fuck off and leave me alone.”_ Scott burst out laughing. But yet again Stiles is finding nothing funny. He let a normal question get the best of him, all because Derek left him.

“Dude, it happens, I lashed out at my mom the first time Allison broke up with me, you just need to take your mind off it.”

“Dammit, I said that out loud!” Stiles felt his hands ball into fist, his face over heating but not for the same reason it was last time. Stiles was angry now.

“Dude, Stiles, it’s all right man, ok just breath please.” Scott sounded worried, but he also sounded like he was pitying him, and that’s the last thing Stiles wanted.

“Stop Scott,” he shouted “Stop fucking looking at me like that. Stop ok? Derek broke up with me, he left me for some pack shit and couldn’t even bother with long distance, but fuck this, I’m not gonna be a damsel in distress ok! Fuck that!”

“Ok, Stiles, I got it. Sorry man.”

“Good now let go get some lunch.” Stiles sat up and brushed past Scott on a mission to get food before his stomach decided to leave him too.

\------

Every class he was in, every person he talked to reminded him of Derek. Stiles could've sworn that on the test he'd gotten in History one of the queestions had Dereks name in it, scratch that, all of the questions had his name in it. Even the clock was was whispering his name. Finally Stiles got so feed up he stormed out of class. leaving his test brutally scribbled with Derek's name all over it.

Stiles didn't know where he was going but as soon as he hit the front doors, something inside of him screamed run. And that's what he did. He ran. The air outside was cool agaisnt his overheated body, and even when his lungs felt like acid had been poured over them, the wind began chiming Derek's name and it was all he could do to run faster. To escape the only name that brought him pain and joy. Stiles couldn't forget the good times he had with Derek, thats why trying to forget him seemed so hard, so cruel. Why would you want to forget those memories? 

He didn't want to forget. So he wouldn't. He'd keep remembering until he got angry, until he couldn't find another reason to _want_ to keep those memories.

"I won't forget you." Stiles said, slowing down his running. He knew where he was, his subconcious brought him here. To Dereks house.

"I won't forget." he said louder, as if the trees would relay his message to Derek. To carry out the urgency, the meaning behind the words.

_I won't forget, I won't forget, I won't forget, I WON'T FORGET YOU DEREK!_ _I can't._

_"you should, you should forget me, look what i'm doing to you."_  Stiles whipped around looking Derek directly in the eye. He must be imagining this Stiles told himself. He knew Derek was gone. Boyd Erica and Isaac weren't in school, so this, this was all his imagination. His subconcious wanted Derek back so bad he actually imagined him here.

"Derek, please come back."

_"But why? You're not safe around me."_

"I told you I don't care, my whole life was set around you. Derek, I love you, and I know you love me."

_"How can you be so sure that you love me? How can you be sure that I love you? You're a child Stiles, you know nothing."_ Derek turned to leave, his face scrunching down maybe it was anger, maybe it was something else but Stiles had to let Derek, or himself know that this was real.

"I- Derek, i'm not sure ok. I just know that whenever i'm in danger you save me. I need you around me all the time because when you aren't I feel lost. Derek, I know you love me too, because you started to smile. You never smiled. You opened up, and let me into your life. You told me things that not even your beta's knew. You saved me, when you could've let me die. That's love."

_"I think it's time you learned how to save yourself Stiles.goodbye"_

Stiles blinked, that's all it took. Derek was gone, again.

Stiles began to run, and cry. It was hard to see through his tears but he did. Not once did he stop running, not even when he fell, multiple times. He just got back up and ran.

_home home home._ Screamed his brain, and that's where his legs took him. Home.

Stiles rushed through the door, shredding his backpack and flannel as he bounded up the stairs. He made his way to his room, tears, still flooding his face. Anger and want, despairation coursing through his veins. 

He slammed his door shut and turned on the lights. Straight ahead was a piture of Derek. He had taken it back in June. The pack was having a party, Derek refused to go swimming, but that didn't stop the pack from throwing him in. He might've wolfed out before he actually hit the water, which got roars of laughter all around.

Stiles stalked towards the picture and threw it towards the opposite wall. The glass shattered and fell into a pool all around his feet. The sound was joyious to Stiles' ears. He threw a fit, storming around his room, tearing pictures of he and Derek off the walls, his anger becoming hysterical. He broke glasses and gifts, frames and mirrors. Everything that Derek had ever given to Stiles was on the floor. Every picture they had taken was ripped apart. All the gifts the pack had given were Stomped on, they littered the floor. His pent up anger had finally found it's outlet. He flipped over his bed taking out the note he and Derek passed at meeting when they thought no one was looking. He took every book out of his shelf clawing the pages out chunks at a time. Stiles knew there was a bag of clothes in the back of his closet, from every time Derek had saved his ass and let him borrow his clothes, or the times they got up to no good, and Stiles had ruined his pants. He headed for those next, taking the giant garbabge bag and hefting it over his shoulder.

Downstairs, outside in the backyard. Stiles lit a fire. He placed the bag on the ground and empited out the clothes. Dousing them in gasoline shouldn't have felt as exciting as it did. The flames seemed to whisper his name, _stiles stiles stiles, stop._ But he couldn't, and he would't for fear of letting Derek back in.

"I'LL SAVE MYSELF!" He shouted "It's what you want." Stiles let the fire die down before making his way back inside. The first good look at his room brought Stiles down to his knees. This is what he had done, trying to shut Derek out, but this is probably what he expected, what he wanted Stiles to do.

Stiles made his way to his dresser. He opened the bottom drawer and pulled out a box. In case of major breakup do not open. Read the top of the box. He opened up the box and pulled out a small ipod, a box of chocolates, and a notepad. Stiles vaugely remembers his mom helping him with this box.

_"It's a cold and crazy world out there sweeite, and girls, or boys whichever you grow to love will take it out on you. So if that ever happens here's something to get you through. Now don't eat all the chocolates and don't listen to too many sad songs, too much of a good thing isn't good."_ Stiles remembers her kissing his head and ruffling his hair before she stepped out of the room.

Stiles puts on the head phones "I'll be brave mom." he says before music floods his ears.

_Clinging to me_  
Like a last breath you would breathe  
You were like home to me

Stiles closes his eyes, and curls up on the floor.

  
_Please don't close your eyes_   
_Don't know where to look without them_   
_Outside the cars speed by_   
_I've never heard them until now_   
_I know you care_   
_I know it is always been there_   
_But there is trouble ahead I can feel it_   
_You were just saving yourself when you hide it_   
_Yeah I know you care..._ _  
_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I will be brave  
> I will not let anything  
> Take away  
> What's standing in front of me  
> Every breath,  
> Every hour has come to this"  
> thanks Christina Perri for the inspiration.  
> forever credit to Ellie Goulding her lyrics at the end


	3. Letter to Burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sheriff is concerned, someone is watching over Stiles.

_Dear Derek, I don’t know what else I should say. I’ve told you a million times that I love you. I will never stop loving you. I could tell you all the reason why, I could remind you of all the good times we’ve had but truth is you’re not coming back. Even if sometime in the near future you ever decide that you should come back, I don’t think you could ever love me, I don’t think you could ever see me the way I see you. Derek you were my whole world. You made it possible to stand, to live through all this mythical bullshit. I stopped using my Adderall because of you; my panic attacks were less severe because of you. But it doesn’t matter; I should’ve known that I meant nothing to you. I was just something to get your mind of things. And your pack being tracked was a good way of letting me go. Yes I’m mad. If I saw you again (besides the hallucinations I’ve been having,) I’d probably walk right by you, I wouldn’t say a word to you. Or my pent up emotions would have their way, and I’d probably attack you. But like I said, it doesn’t matter, you’re not coming back. I have to move on. It’s hard though, when I think I see you on every street. Sometimes I feel your hands on me, ghosting over my body while I sleep. I hear your voice all the time. I thought I heard it when I was having breakfast with my dad. I turned in the middle of the restaurant looking for you. My dad asked if I was ok, I lied. Telling him I thought I heard Scott. Did you know my dad really like you? I told him how you helped me with homework, how our relationship wasn’t based on sex, seeing as how you’re older and I’m not of legal age yet. He smiled the first time we argued over you and I told him that. He said “that’s good to hear son. I was worried; I guess I’ll give Derek the benefit of the doubt.” but now he hates you. He cursed you out when he thought I was asleep. He doesn’t want anything to do with you._

_Did you know I ended up in the hospital? Yeah, I was hooked up to tubes. My dad thought I had tried to kill myself. He walked into my room and saw it fucked up. Things were thrown around. He said when he saw me on the floor, he thought of my mother. He found her on the floor. She wasn’t breathing. My dad really thought I tried to kill myself. I will never tell him I tried. I tried Derek, to end my life over you. I don’t know how you would take it. You’d probably be sad, sad that some ADHD kid killed himself because he thought he was in love. But not sad because he really did, and not sad because you loved him back, with all your heart. I’m going to be a super mushy teenage girl for a moment, but I think Adele had it right when she said “I can't make you love me if you don't you can't make your heart feel something that it won't”_

_Derek I’ll love you forever._

_I shouldn’t say you don’t love me because I don’t know that for sure. You just don’t love me as much as I love you. Because when a Stilinski says forever, they mean forever. Maybe Hales aren’t as honest as they make themselves out to be. Just burn my heart, I know what dying family feels like, and you know what broken hearts taste like. What is love Derek? Broken promises._

_You want me to move on? I won’t fully but, there’s this really pretty girl in my chemistry class. Her name is Lila. She was the only one who didn’t laugh at me when I came back; she didn’t mock me after I passed out and cursed at Mr. Harris. She showed up one day after lacrosse practice just to say hi. She’s nice. Kinda weird sometimes how she’ll just pop up but that’s what you do when you like someone, that what you did to me. Ha yeah well. You never forget your first love, you simply just exist, numbing the pain, let the drugs take over until you don’t remember. I’m not on drugs, I feel like I am. This entire stuff “my friends” are making me do to forget you. It’s intense._

_But._

_  
Bye Derek, there's to us._

_A few weeks later...._

 

 

 

 

 

“Dammit, Melissa.” Sheriff said sipping from his whiskey. “This boy is head over heels, he just won’t stop. He knows that Derek doesn’t feel the same way yet he keeps his heart on his sleeve.” Sheriff looks over to Melissa, her eyes turned downed like the corners of her mouth, her whole face is frowning. If anyone knew what it was like to have their son act like a lovesick puppy, it would be Melissa.

“I just don’t know what to do, he doesn’t want his mind off him, yet he wants his mind of him I just-”  
“The only thing you can do, Is just let him deal with it. I should know. Scott was crazy for Allison and when she went batshit crazy, there was nothing I could do to help him. To tell him that things would be ok. Scott stayed in his room for a week. I mean it’s not as severe as what’s going on with Stiles. But he’s strong, he’s brave. He can pull through I know it.”

Melissa looked at Sheriff trying to smile through her eyes. They looked over the letter once more. Reading in silence. Everything seemed more real with evidence. That was Sheriffs motto. You always need evidence, and now, Sheriff had it. He had all the things Stiles wouldn’t say to him. He had proof of what happened to Stiles that day in his room. He had how deeply, madly in love his son was with Derek, and even though Stiles didn’t think Derek loved him back, Sheriff knew that because he left, because he told sheriff he was leaving before he told Stiles he knew that Derek would love him, always,

forever,

To the moon and back.

“So Stiles and Lila, what do you think?” Melissa asks, breaking the silence

“She’s obviously some sort of mythical something.”

“How do you suppose?”

“Well Stiles says she just pops up places, and I heard him talking in his sleep, he said something like “saw her eyes glow like Derek” I don’t know if it’s just his dreams or if he really saw her eyes glow but I figure we should have Scott check it out.” Sheriff takes another swig of his whiskey. Melissa puts her hand on his, taking the glass out of his hand.

“For Stiles. I’ll talk to Scott when he gets home.”  Sheriff just nods to her reply. They sit there for another minute until there’s a key turning in the nob and Scott comes bounding through the door.

“Oh, hey Sheriff.” He says. His lopsided grin warming Sheriffs heart, or maybe that’s the whiskey.

‘Hello Scott. Well Melissa, I’ll see you soon.” Sheriff hugs her, and then he’s leaving out the same door Scott came through. Melissa sees him out asking him if he’s sure he should drive. He responds saying he’s fine; he’s the Sheriff after all. Melissa smiles at that, and then she’s closing the door and following Scott upstairs. She lets herself into his room and sits on his bed. He comes out of the bathroom and sits next to her.

“Hey mom what’s wrong?” he asks. Melissa exhales deeply before starting.

“Stiles’ dad and I are worried about him. He’s written 21 letters to Derek, he leaves them random places, and well, Sheriff found one, that’s why he was here. There’s this girl, Lila in your chemistry class I guess, and I think he likes her, but Sheriff thinks she might be one of you, you know, I don’t think she has the best interest of Stiles.” She stops suddenly to look at Scott. He looks confused.

“Yeah, that’s the girl Derek tracked down, she was with the alpha pack but Derek talked to her. She isn’t good, I thought- dammit, Derek told her not to touch him, and now that he’s not here,” Scott didn’t finish his sentence. He stood up and started pacing his room mumbling things about Stiles, safety and Dammit Derek, more than once. Melissa sat staring into space. How was she going to tell Sheriff his son wasn’t safe?

“I have to help him!” Scott screams before he’s putting on a jacket, and running down the stairs, Melissa follows, anxious.

“What are you going to do Scott?” she questions. His back is facing her but she can still see the glare he gives the door. She sees his claws extend.

“Nobody messes with my bestfriend.” He says placing his clawed hand on the door.

“But Derek?”

“Loves him, Derek loves him.” He replies, and then he’s gone. Melissa looks out the door for any sign of her son but she can’t see him.

“Be careful.” She whispers to the night.

She hears a howl in the distance.


	4. Languid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “He uh, still wants you. You know?” Sheriff asks when Derek is comfortably sitting with a bowl of spaghetti.

** October **

When you get surgery, there’s a moment when you down the drugs the doctor gives you, and you blank out. You’re moving and breathing, but you don’t know that you are. For all you know, you could be dead. But you’re not because people are interacting with you and you with them, however loopy and spaced out you are. It’s almost like when you take too much cough syrup and everything feels languid and squishy. You feel like dying, your heart rate is too slow, but you wouldn’t care if it stopped, which is scary but Stiles doesn’t mind. He’s been gone from the world, from school for two months. He’s been getting high in his room, wallowing in his despair. His dad ignores the smell of weed rolling from under his door, he pretends all his son needs is space. His dad makes him see a counselor, Ms. Morrell, her name is. She’s pretty, olive toned skin, long black hair. Dark eyes. Yes indeed very pretty.  She knows about his “boy problem.” She tells him. “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” It’s a good motto, Stiles thinks before he takes a hit from his bong, letting the smoke impale his lungs. Derek would like her. He thinks exhaling. He can think of Derek now. It doesn’t bother him. or maybe it does but between the weed and the anti-depressants he gets nothing affects him the way it should. He could get used to this. The feeling of floating, the feeling of being non-existent.

Yeah it feels good. He thinks taking one last hit before he sets aside his bong and nestles in his blankets. Yes the sun’s up, but it’s never too early for a nap. Stiles closes his eyes and lets the sun warm his body.

“Feels like hands.” he says sighing. “Like Derek’s hands.” he mumbles. He feels lifted. His limbs are numb his brain is mush. Nothing can get to him, not here, not in this state of,

_Hell._

______

 

He steps in the room when he’s sure the last of his bong hits have sent him to sleep. He does this every time Stiles smokes. He slips through the door. Places his hands on his arms; lightly, as to not wake the marijuana induced boy. He whispers words that he wishes he could say out loud. Every day is something new. Today his words express his guilt.

“I’m so sorry.” He mumbles ghosting his hands over Stiles arm, pulling up his covers and tucking him in.

“Never should have left you. I’d take it back if I could, God I would. I’ve been going crazy, wanting you back. Would you even accept me? Haven’t slept in days. Stiles I love you. I mean it.” He sits on the bed. Tracing his fingers over the freckles on his face.

“Hey son,” comes a voice from the doorway. He knows who it is. They have this, unspoken communication. Sheriff lets him sit there, tell his son how he feels, and in the morning. When his son asks if someone was in his room, he’ll always say it was him.

“Come down for food.” Sheriff says.

“I couldn’t, what if he wakes-”

“Use that wolf hearing of yours, and have some spaghetti.”  He allows himself a small smile, more than he deserves.

“Sure.”  He says standing up. Placing a light kiss on Stiles’ temple.

“Derek.” Says the boy, rolling over. His eyes are closed but his hands are moving around searching for his.

“shh go to sleep stiles.”

“m’kay, love you.” He replies before smashing his face into his pillow.

 

 

 

\------

 

 

“He uh, still wants you. You know?” Sheriff asks when Derek is comfortably sitting with a bowl of spaghetti.

“How could you, why do you, I ruined him.” Derek tries. Words were never his favorite.

“Yeah well, heartbreak happens but love is eternal, all that mumbo jumbo. Look son. He is _crazy_ for you.” Sheriff smiles, pouring himself a glass of scotch.

“Why do you still like me? If I were you. I would’ve shot me the first time I showed up on your doorstep.” Derek shoves a fork full of noodles in his mouth and chews slowly staring at his bowl so he doesn’t have to look at Sheriff.

“I uh, look. You left my son because you were protecting him, me. I admire that. You went behind Stiles’ back and asked me permission to date him, knowing that if I said no, you would have to tell Stiles. You came to me when you were ready to tell Stiles you loved him. knowing that this meant it was serious. You came to me for everything. And when you left, you came to me. Asking _me_ , for advice. Contrary to popular belief I like you Derek. I want you with my son. Yes he’ll have to heal, and it’ll be painful but whenever this ends, when you’re ready to come back, I’ll be here with open arms.” Sheriff looks for something under the table and stands up. Derek's eyes shift down and back up. his expressions seems to say, "please don't." But sheriff knows he can't. He has to let Derek see how his son feels, and this is the only way he can. He hands over the bundle of letters Stiles has written over the course of two months. He smiles wryly and Derek takes the letters.

“Thanks Sheriff.” Derek says with a glint in his eye. He wouldn’t cry, no, but he was pretty damn close. Something shuffles upstairs. Derek stands up, nodding to the stairs. He lowers his voice.

“I love your son, I do. When this is all fixed, I’ll- thanks Sheriff.” He pushes his bowl towards the older man and heads towards the door. With a nod he steps outdoors, just as a dazed Stiles fumbles down the stairs.


	5. Shotgunning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The smoke pillows out in front of them like cotton candy. It eases the pain, makes you feel good. They both know that the bleeding has stopped but the burning in their lungs feels good. It's pain that is intoxicating.

The pain is sharp and intense. His blood trickles down his legs, his heart beats thunderously in his chest. Things weren't supposed to go like this, he thinks. And even though the edges of his vision are tinted red, he still stays calm. It took everything in him to not rip her head off. How she thought it would be ok to seduce Stiles would forever cease to amaze him. 

But when Scott showed up claws extended and eye ablaze; he was forever grateful. 

The girl brought her friends which meant, Derek and Scott were outnumbered. He remembers barking out orders, having a plan but Scott didn't want to listen.

"You're not my alpha." He screamed. Derek knew that. He knew that Scott disliked him. He had all the reason to. Derek hasn't been the best alpha; he hasn't  been the worlds best, best friends boyfriend either. So Scott deciding to go after the girl had been his "rebellion" but it made sense. They fought for 10 minutes. Derek took out all of the five guys Ms. Seduction brought, while Scott took his time fighting the devil herself. He was slow and precise, measuring and sizing up the "competition."  Like a boxer. Derek stood behind Scott letting a low growl escape. 

"He's not yours to seduce." He stated. 

"Oh but sweetie, he's not yours either. You don't even deserve him."

She was patronizing him. He didn't like that.

"True, neither of us deserve him. But only one of us really wants him. Loves him." 

"And who would that be, his gay best friend?" Derek growls again. His body shaking with the effort to control his wolf. 

"ME!" He shouts before leaping over Scott. What he doesn't expect is mid leap, to be shot in the stomach with a wolfsbane bullet. He falters when he lands. Not knowing how much he could do before he's incapable of severing her head.  He hears the wind around him howling, laughing, taunting him. Scott runs to his side as he hears the girl turn to leave.

"Go get her!" He growls out to Scott. 

"No, you're hurt. I should leave you here to die, I want to but I won't." 

"Why?" Derek asks as the pain travels up his spine, the black gory shit sticking to his shirt.

"You just said you love my best friend. You came here to protect him. You had a  real reason to leave him. As shitty as it was, it was real. All you've ever wanted to do was protect us, him, your pack. Come on." Scott says hefting Derek up resting him in his shoulder. 

"Where are we going?" He grunts back. 

"Stiles' house."

\-------------------

Even though his senses are fucked up. He smells it. It hits his nose like a wave.  It smells good, yet it smells like destruction. He know this is what he does. What Stiles does to ease the pain. Scott notices it too. He stiffens underneath Derek's weight. And if Derek didn't already feel bad he does now. 

"Shit." He mumbles

"Yeah." Replies Scott. They make their way to Stiles' door step. Knocking loudly. Sheriff isn't home. Which is obviously why Stiles. Is, as per usual, relieving his pain. They hear him shuffle down the stairs cursing obscenely. The instant he opens the door is the exact same moment Derek's falls to the ground. The pain too sharp in his abdomen.  Stiles stares for a second letting a wave of déjà VU flash over him before he jumps into action. 

"Shit!" He cries helping Scott carry him Into his house. They set him on the couch, getting blankets as Derek writhes in pain. Stiles bolts up the stairs and into his room. He digs under his bed and pulls out a box he set aside jut in case something like happens. It's his lucky day he thinks. His high is fading, but he rushes downstairs with the box yanking out one silver bullet. He watches as his ex boyfriend pulls off his shirt cursing to himself. He passes the bullet to Scott knowing that if he had to be the one to touch Derek his hands would wander over the expanse of Derek's chest. His lips would kiss the places it hurts and his heart would fall even more into his chest. 

"Bullet." Derek whispers reaching aimlessly to Scott's hand. He misses by a long shot and grabs Stiles' instead. Pulling him into his chest. 

"I'm so sorry." He says before Falling back onto the couch and passing out.

*2 minutes later*

When Derek wakes up his stomach is hurting badly. But the black spidery veins are gone. 

"What the fuck." Stiles says anger plastered to his face.

"Stiles-I," he starts. Stiles is sitting in front of Derek. As soon as Derek starts talking he raises his hand and slaps him hard on the face. 

"You stupid piece of shit!" He yells slapping him again. 

"Why the fuck did you do that?" Derek just looks at him, like, like he had been slapped in the face.

"I'm sorry Stiles." He says again. Stiles doesn't respond he just slaps him again. He knows Derek can take it. But he also know that since Derek isn't fighting back, he's beating himself up too. 

"You fucking left me." Stiles says more quietly. 

"You left me, and then went go and fight some bitch cause she tried to seduce me. You took a bullet for me." Tears are pooling at the edge of his eyes. He blinks once and they fall. Derek reaches for his face wanting to wipe them off but refraining.

"You fucking ass hole. I loved you."

"Loved?" Derek asks afraid he's messed this up too much. Afraid stiles had in fact completely move on.

"I still do. Love you."

"You sound like Lydia and Jackson." Scott says, popping his head out of the kitchen. Stiles smiles and Derek stares; at stiles, at the love of his life sitting there cursing at him, professing his love. Not hating him, too much.

"I hated you." Stiles continues. "I hated you for a while. But then I'd sit here and think of all the things we've been through and I wanted to forget. I did I wanted to hate you and forget you. But I couldn't. I couldn't forget you Derek. And I swear to god I'd hallucinate. The first week you were gone I swear I had a conversation with you. I passed out in class. I had the worst two months ever. Ms. Morrell said I was depressed and so I bought weed. It helped but it made me miss you more."

"Stiles I don't know what to say. I've been going crazy thinking about how much of an ass I've been. I was stupid and insecure and a fucking dumb piece of shit. I left you, I know I'm sorry. I can't take it back. But I promise if you just give me a second chance I swear I will never do it again. I love you so much. I do. I know you deserve so much better than me, but please give me a second chance. I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Derek has never been a fan of words and now shouldn't be any different, but he's spilling out his guts. Literally.

"Derek that's sweet and all, and you kinda just proposed to me, and I forgive you but you're kind of bleeding black shit on my couch. And If you ever do that again I will shoot you myself." Derek looks down. 

"Fuck, it's trying to rid the wolfsbane from my system. " his body goes ridged and he doubles over.

"Fuck!" He cries hands flying to the spot on his stomach where it's bleeding.  Scott rushes in panic written on his face.

"What's goring on?" He asks.

"I don't know man. His body is flushing the remaining wolfsbane from him. Do that thing where you take his pain away." Stiles says frantically. Scott places his hand on Derek's bare chest. 

"This is the time where my veins should be turning color. It's not working." 

"I have an idea." Stiles says turning around and heading for his stairs. 

He comes back down with what appears to be a bong. 

"I don't think it's the time for that." Scott says. He looks at the super hero decked bong and back at Derek. 

"No this is the time." Stiles sits in front of Derek holding his hand as another seizure of pain courses through his body. He places the remaining of his stash in the bong and grabs his lighter from his pants pockets.  Scott watches as he places  the lighter at the end. He brings the bong up to his lips. It reminds Scott of when he was little and he'd watch his grandfather smoke a pipe. Stiles inhales holding in the smoke. He drops the bong and lighter and reaches up to grab Derek's face between his hands. Leaning In slowly, he kisses Derek. The smoke leaves his mouth. Derek inhales holds it too. The smoke around them looks fake. Like those movies where people kiss somewhere steamy. Everything about this moment is sensual in the sweetest way. Scott feels as if he's watching something he shouldn't be, but he stays. When stiles nods to Derek letting him know he should exhale he smiles. 

"Again." Stiles says. He breaths in another, transferring from his lips to Derek's. Scott watches as Derek visibly relaxes each time he exhales.

"Again" Stiles says gaining a nod from Derek. The stuff Derek was bleeding had stopped. But Scott can sense the remaining pain. 

The smoke pillows out in front of them like cotton candy. It eases the pain, makes you feel good. They both know that the bleeding has stopped but the burning in their lungs feels good. It's pain that is intoxicating. They can't stop and with each kiss the pain eases more, the lust grows bigger, the hunger gets more intense. They kiss now. No smoke. Lazy and soft. 

"Guys." Scott says. His voice bringing them back to reality. Stiles is straddling Derek's lap his hands in his hair. They pull back from each other. 

"Sorry." Stiles says. Derek puts his head in the crook of his neck breathing the faint scent of Stiles. 

"S'understandable." He says smiling his crooked smile. 

"Don't ever do that again." Stiles says to Derek kissing his forehead.

"Promise." He says placing a kiss to his collar bone.

\-------------  
When sheriff wakes up he sees stiles walking from the bathroom to his room. He tries not to notice the new love marks on his neck.  
"Son, is there something you want to tell me?" he asks.  
"Well uhh Derek is here, please don't shoot him. We're back together though. I don't really know how it happened but he promised and I love him so please be nice."  
"Ok." He replies. He smirks as Stiles chokes on, air.  
"What?"  
"I said I'll be nice. Tell me that ring on your finger is a promise ring and not a uh, engagement ring." He gestures to the ring Stiles was trying to hide.  
"Uh yeah. Derek gave it to me last night he promised me forever."  
"We'll that's sweet."  
"Yeah."  
"Come with me to the store we need more food if your Wolfy boyfriend is going to be here more."  
"Shotgun!" Stiles yells running into his room and sheriff guesses jumping on Derek. 

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by I know you care by Ellie Goulding and Stephanie Meyer's New Moon  
> "But there is trouble ahead I can feel it  
> You were just saving yourself when you hide it  
> Yeah I know you care  
> I see it in the way you stare  
> As if there was trouble ahead and you knew it  
> I'll be saving myself from the ruin"


End file.
